As a parent, it can be confusing and heartbreaking when your child seems to want to not let go of anxiety, even when you’ve tried everything to help. Maybe they’re not going to school. Maybe they’re afraid of social events or refuse to try new things. And no matter what strategies you try – breathing, rewards, talking it out – nothing seems to change. In fact, it might even feel like they don’t want to let go.
It’s a frustrating place to be. But what if deep down in their unconscious mind they really don’t want to get better.
Let’s explore why some kids might actually hold on to anxiety even when it’s hard and how we, as parents, can guide them gently out of it.
What Is Anxiety, Really?
Anxiety is a natural feeling that happens when our brain thinks something bad might happen. It’s there to protect us. It’s the same feeling you might get before a big test, a speech, or trying something scary. A little bit of anxiety is completely normal.
But when anxiety gets too big, it can start to control kids’ choices. That’s when it becomes a problem.
Some kids begin to avoid everything that makes them uncomfortable. They might stop going to school, say no to birthday parties, or even refuse to leave the house. They say they feel “too anxious” and they probably do. But at the same time, it might seem like they’re not trying to get better.
That’s where things get tricky.
Can Kids Get Addicted to Anxiety?
It might sound strange, but some kids can become addicted to anxiety. Not in the way people get addicted to sugar or screens, but in a sneaky way where anxiety becomes part of their comfort zone.
Here’s how that works.
Anxiety can offer what psychologists call secondary gain. This means that even though anxiety is uncomfortable, it can sometimes give kids things they do like, such as:
Getting out of doing hard or boring things like school or chores
Extra attention or care from parents or teachers
Avoiding scary or embarrassing situations
Feeling more in control of their surroundings
So even if anxiety feels awful, kids might start to like what it gives them. This can make them resistant to letting it go.
Do Kids Really Like Anxiety?
You might be thinking, “My child definitely doesn’t like anxiety.” And you’re probably right—no one likes panic attacks or feeling sick with nerves.
But the truth is, some children come to rely on anxiety because it feels safe. It becomes familiar. And the benefits—like skipping school or staying close to Mum—can feel more comforting than facing their fears.
They might not say this out loud, or even realise it’s happening. But deep down, part of them might be saying, “If I let go of anxiety, I’ll have to do the scary thing.”
What’s There to Like About Anxiety?
It helps to think of anxiety like a shield. It protects kids from things they don’t feel ready to face. Here are some reasons why kids might like what anxiety gives them:
Avoiding responsibility – Kids who feel overwhelmed by schoolwork or social pressure may use anxiety to step away from it all.
More support – A child who feels lonely or unseen might get extra care when they’re anxious.
Feeling special – Some children enjoy the sense of being “different” or having a special need that makes them stand out.
Having control – Anxiety can give children a sense of power, especially if they feel powerless in other areas of life.
Understanding this doesn’t mean anxiety is “fake” or that kids are choosing it on purpose. It just means their brains have learned that anxiety keeps them safe. And until they believe they’re safe without it, they might not want to let it go.
How Parents Can Gently Break the Cycle
So what can we do as parents?
It starts with understanding, not blaming.
When we realise our children aren’t being lazy or difficult—but are actually stuck in a loop—we can help them step out of it with love and consistency.
Here are some simple steps to try:
1. Talk About the Payoff
Ask your child, kindly and curiously, “What’s the best part about staying home when you’re anxious?” or “What feels easier when you avoid that activity?” This can open up conversations that help them realise what anxiety is doing for them.
2. Gently Remove the Secondary Gain
Once you see what your child is gaining from anxiety, try to remove the benefit. For example, if they get out of school when anxious, work with the school to keep them attending—even if it’s for short sessions. If they’re getting extra screen time, limit it during anxious moments and offer more rewarding activities instead.
3. Praise Bravery, Not Avoidance
Celebrate every small moment of courage. Whether they speak up in class, enter the school gate, or try a new food—make a big deal out of it. Focus your attention on brave behaviour, not anxious reactions.
4. Don’t Wait for Them to Feel Ready
Your child might never feel ready to face their fear. That’s OK. They can still do the hard thing while feeling anxious—and when they do, their brain will start to learn that they’re safe.
5. Model Calm Confidence
Let your child borrow your belief that they can do it. Speak calmly, use encouraging words, and try not to react with panic when they feel anxious. Your energy teaches them how to feel.
Real Healing Happens When Kids Feel Empowered
The good news is that anxiety is treatable. With the right support, many kids go from feeling stuck and scared to feeling calm, confident, and free.
But they can’t do it alone. They need us, parents who understand the hidden patterns behind their behaviour, and who are willing to hold firm boundaries while still offering love.
When kids realise they don’t need anxiety to feel safe, the transformation begins.
If your child seems addicted to anxiety, or if it feels like they don’t want to get better, don’t lose heart. You’re not alone, and neither are they. The more we understand the hidden benefits of anxiety, the more we can help our children choose freedom instead of fear. Keep going. Keep showing up. You’re doing the most important job in the world band your child’s breakthrough might be just around the corner.